December 8, 2012 by kittynh
Today on National Geographic, (our new motto “We Now Put on Whatver Crap Gets the Ratings”), we present a new editions of “Doomsday Preppers!”
Our prepper today, Ear Sinclair of Antrim, NH, is prepping for what he believes will be an invasion by aliens that take over the world via mind control and fluoride!
Earl, please share with us how you have prepped for the upcoming Venusian Invasion.
Well, as you can see I’ve stocked up, I’ve filled my entire spare bedroom with aluminum foil. Everyone knows your only protection against alien mind control is aluminum foil. When the aliens land, every store will be sold out. I’ve bought $50,000 of heavy grade aluminum foil, filled the room floor to ceiling. Of course, it use to be my son’s room, but sacrifices had to be made. Plus when my wife left me because I had “wasted” our son’s college fund money on buying aluminum foil she took the boy with her, so it’s not like he’s using the room anyway. The other plus is I have filled what used to her her side of the bed with extra ammo.
You’re going to need guns when the aliens land. I have fully automatic weapons for the most part. When a spaceship full of Venusians lands on your lawn, you don’t want to have anything else but a fully automatic MAC-11 .380 caliber submachine gun to take care of those little green monsters. Of course, it’s always a good plan to have a few M60 machine guns for backup, and a AK47 is nothing an alien is going to sneeze at either. I also suggest a Uzi and MAC 10, which can be helpful for close range clean ups.
I keep all my guns close at hand, since I feel the alien invasion will happen in the next few months. Hope it happens after this show airs, as I want to impress upon everyone, we all need to prep for this calamity. Our government isn’t going to be able to handle things, sure they have the weapons, but do they have stockpiles of aluminum foil? I think not. Plus, I hear the water on most Army bases is fluoridated, just saying.
In the living room and the kitchen I keep 100 years worth of freeze dried food, just like the astronauts ate! All you have to do is add hot water, mix it up, and yum, you’re eating like Buzz Aldrin! Since the aliens are here to soak up all our water, Venus is kind of a hot planet you know being so close to the sun, finding enough water to make all this food could be a problem. No problem though as I plan to filter and use my own urine for cooking all this foil wrapped astronaut food.
My plan is, instead of stockpiling water, I’m stockpiling beer. The part of the bedroom not filled with guns and ammo is filled with beer. I also have beer in all the bathrooms, cause heck I’m not going to just waste my pee by flushing it anymore. (Number two I can just go in a hole I dug in the yard, I lined the hole with aluminum foil so the aliens can’t steal my poop and clone me). Anyway, the more beer I drink, the more I pee. When I see these idiots stockpiling potentially fluoridated water, when they could use that space for stockpiling Bud Light, I just laugh.
I figure, between my aluminum foil, my ammo, my guns, my astronaut food and beer, I can hold out for years.
Some people might think I’m not all that smart, going on the TV and telling people I have all these expensive guns and years worth of food, beer and aluminum foil. Heck they say people can just look up online where I live, and maybe try to rob me, perhaps when I’m passed out from drinking all that beer. But I figure I’m not worried about people, I’m worried about aliens. I need to get the word out, you got to stock up on the right things if you are going to survive a Venusian invasion!
How our Experts Rank Earl’s Prep
Earl, our experts give you a rating of 8 out of 10 for your aluminum foil stockpile. While you certainly have enough foil to cover yourself in case of alien mind control attacks, you forgot about how you are going to keep your foil hat on while you are sleeping. Our experts suggest you invest in some duct tape.
Our experts give you a 7 out of 10 for your ammo and automatic gun stockpile. They feel you should also have some small caliber weapons on hand, as aliens are small and might sneak up on you. A Steyr M1912 machine pistol would be a good addition as it’s small enough to keep with you at all times.
Our experts give you a 9 out of 10 for your food storage. They feel anyone would need to be drunk off of beer to eat those freeze dried meals (especially if you’re hydrating them using your own urine). They suggest perhaps some Coors for a special holiday treat.
All together our experts feel you are well prepared for an alien invasion. Your family may feel your entire savings might have been better spent on things like college, family vacations, and health insurance. Still on the plus side now that your family has left you, you will have an easier time stockpiling enough aluminum foil, guns, food and beer.
Our experts give you top ratings for spending your money wisely on automatic weapons ammo, foil and “astro food” (just add water, or filtered urine!). We feel you have made excellent choices and are truly prepared for whenever the Venusians land. Good Job Earl, we’re sure you will inspire others!