Monkey Ghost House was the story that was never to have been told. My prior blog on this subject simply covered my discovery that a home I was interested in buying was supposedly haunted by a ghost of a monkey. A monkey that flung ghostly pooh.  My conclusion, that buying a home with a reputation as being haunted would be a bad real estate decision, was the end of that story.

The rest of the story, my actual investigation of the house, I had promised not to share.  My initial story mentions the renter that wished me to “get rid of the monkey” when I informed her I was a skeptic paranormal investigator.  While I declined any ability to “get rid” of any ghost, simian or human, she did invite me to the property to “look around”.

After my “look around”, I made a promise to a young woman involved that I would not share the results of my investigation. I recently emailed her, and she said I could now share this story. She did stipulate I change the names and a few details of the story. I promised she would not get “in trouble”.  Here is the somewhat true  story, of Monkey Ghost House (with some names and other details changed to protect the not so innocent).

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Paranormal investigation case MONKEY GHOST HOUSE

Persons of interest

Kitty – Skeptic Paranormal Investigator (I’ve read all Joe Nickel’s books)

Bethany – Student at local College, renter residing at Monkey Ghost House, and my contact at the home

Kiley-Student at local College, fellow renter at Monkey Ghost House

Britt- Student at local College, former renter at Monkey Ghost house, possibly a “real ass”.

John-Neighbor who first mentioned monkey ghost when I was looking to purchase the home

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Monkey Ghost House 11:00 am

I am admitted by Bethany, the young renter I had spoken to earlier about the odorous haunting.  She has agreed to let me do a simple investigation and take notes about what has led her to believe there is a ghost monkey.  A ghost monkey that flings pooh.

(I will include excerpts from my note-book for interest )

Kitty- “So Bethany, just what would lead you to believe that there is a monkey ghost in the house?”

Bethany-“Well, you can see all the monkey stuff just everywhere, it’s pretty creepy.  If the house wasn’t so nice I’d never have stayed here.  Plus it’s close to Dunkin Donuts and the bars, it’s a good location.  But the monkey stuff is gross.”

(There is a large monkey cage in the basement of the home, also there is a monkey play house in the back yard and monkey toys left on the floor of the garage)

Kitty-“I understand that could seem creepy, but I’m interested in why you think that monkey is now haunting the home.”

Bethany- “Oh gee, John, that old guy next door…he told us all about the monkey.  It was horrible when it was alive.  It would bite and throw shit. He told us it died. That monkey is  doing the same nasty stuff when it did alive now that it is dead!”

At this point Bethany looks around nervously, as if she’s afraid  monkey pooh will come flying at her any moment.

Bethany-“Look, I know it’s early, but I need some wine.  Do you want some wine?”

Kitty- “You go ahead, I can’t really drink when I’m doing a paranormal investigation.”

Bethany- “If you lived here you would drink.”

Bethany returns with large glass of red wine.  She takes a big swig.

Kitty-“So how about we start now with what’s happening that makes you think..”

Bethany-“Oh I don’t think, I KNOW there is a shit throwing monkey ghost”

Kitty-“OK, I’ll go with that, what proof do you have this monkey ghost exists?”

Bethany-“Well, it’s like John and I told you, the monkey is mad all the time. Everything we do upsets the monkey, I smell his shit all over the place.”

Kitty-“So there is an odor of monkey feces?”

Bethany-“Right, like smell my hair.  Really, SMELL IT!”

I lean over to smell her hair and well.

Kitty-“So you think your smelly hair is caused by?”

Bethany- “The monkey throws his shit at your hair, and it smells bad.  He also gets mad if you are in the kitchen.  I think he wants a banana or something, but he smells it up if you are working in there.  Then, the bathrooms smell. I know bathrooms are supposed to smell, but he really makes them smell.  I think he hates water.”

Kitty-“Anything else besides smells?”

Bethany-“Well, this is really creepy..”

Bethany swigs more wine

Bethany-“He can unlock his cage in the basement.  Like, my ex room-mate Britt, she’s Catholic, and she was thinking if we prayed and stuff we could convince the monkey to leave.  Oh and Kiley helped, she’s my roommate too.  Kiley helped us get the monkey ghost into his cage in the basement. She chased it with Britt’s Bible.  Only the problem is the monkey can get out.”

Kitty-“What do you mean by that?”

Bethany-“There is a lock on the monkey cage in the basement, and Kiley  chased the spirit of the monkey to go into the cage.  Then we locked the cage.  But, the monkey won’t stay. You have to see it, like last night I locked the cage.  I only did it as you were coming.  I never go in that fucking basement, but Kiley and I locked it last night.  I haven’t been down yet. I wanted to wait until we could go together.”

At this point Bethany led me to the stairs to the basement.  She pointed out the key to the lock, hanging on a small nail near the basement door.  She is almost shaking with nerves, but I am calm.   Bethany snaps on the lights, and we go down the stairs.  I see, a monkey cage with the door hanging wide open.  The padlock is found across the floor as if it has been flung by an angry monkey ghost.  At this point, I try to appear calm by writing a few quick notes.

I’m ready to leave and just call the TAPS people.  Bethany and I agree to quickly return upstairs.

Kitty-“Well that is different”

Bethany swigs more wine, as she goes to get a refill I decide I also need a glass of wine.  My heart is racing like the first time I saw the exorcist and Linda Blair’s head spun around.

Bethany-“Yeah it was after the monkey started doing that, Britt left.  She’s staying with her boyfriend.  Not that I miss her, she was pretty annoying, kind of ass.  Kiley was pretty happy she left also, but I don’t know how much longer I can stand it here.”

Kitty-“Let’s investigate the smells, you say you have smell where ever there is water?”

Bethany takes me around to the bathrooms.  As I lift each toilet and sniff, I smell an odor of raw sewage.  I then turn on a tap, after running a bit there is the same smell. It’s also the same smell as Bethany’s hair, a slight, but obvious, odor of pooh.

I am beginning to think this is not a case for Sherlock Holmes, but for Mike Holmes, the home repair guy from TV.

The third bathroom we look at I lift the toilet to see, a floater.  Bethany gasps.

Bethany-“It’s shit!  It’s monkey shit!  He’s leaving you a message!”

I peer at the pooh.  It has corn and red pepper, the monkey ghost appears to have had Mexican last night.  Bethany is excited.

Bethany-“You can get that looked at right?  You can have someone figure out what that is!”

Kitty-“Well, Bethany, it looks human to me. I mean, I’m not sure what monkey poop looks like.”

I scribble notes to look professional.  I’m not sure she isn’t pulling my leg.  I start to calm down and think of hidden camera TV shows.

Bethany-“No, that’s not mine, you need to collect that! You wanted proof, if that is monkey shit it proves there is a ghost here!”

I decide Bethany is at this point a bit tipsy, but she has a point.  What would Joe Nickel do?  Collect the pooh.  Bethany finds plastic wrap and a plastic bag from the grocery store.  She hands both to me, as it is obviously the job of the paranormal investigator to put her hand in the toilet.

I am poised to collect the pooh, when the other room-mate Kiley comes out of her room to see what the “Ewwww” sounds are about.

Kiley-“What are you doing?”

Bethany-“Oh hey Kiley, this is Kitty.  She’s a paranormal investigator.  She’s interested in the monkey.”

Kiley-“Bethany we agreed never to talk about the monkey ghost, you already blabbed to the neighbor.”

Bethany-“But Kitty is different she’s a skeptic paranormal investigator!”

Kiley looks me over, my hand encased in plastic wrap poised over the toilet bowl.  I stand up and smile.  I smile because Kiley seems a little too calm for someone living with a monkey ghost.

Kiley-“What exactly is a skeptic paranormal investigator?”

Kitty-“It means I won’t believe in your monkey ghost unless it sits in my lap and defecates.  I need real scientific proof before I believe something.”

Kiley looks at the toilet.

Kiley-“So why are you collecting my shit then? Bethany, you know this toilet never works.  You have to flush a couple of times.  This plumbing in this place is all messed up.”

Kiley is blushing at this point, I get she doesn’t quite buy into the monkey ghost.  That or she is the monkey ghost.  I ask to smell her hair.  Her hair smells like it should, clean.

Kiley-“I use a vinegar rinse, the water here leaves your hair smelling funny if you don’t.”

I think Kiley has solved the mystery of the smells long ago.  I tell the girls to call the landlord and have him check into the plumbing.  They agree.

Kiley, Bethany and I go to sit in the living room.  Bethany is willing to admit the smells could be caused by bad plumbing.  Kiley has a funny smile when Bethany complains that I still haven’t figured out how the monkey escapes from the cage in the basement.

Kitty-“Kiley, do you like having Bethany as a room-mate?”

Kiley shifts a bit in her seat

Kiley-“Yes she’s great”

Kitty-“How about Britt?”

Kiley-“Well, not so much, but I think as long as the monkey ghost is here she won’t be back.”

This explains why having a skeptic paranormal investigator visit might not be a good thing for Kiley.  I tell Bethany and Kiley I have no way to get rid of a ghost, if there is such a thing.  I do go over to the basement door and pick up the key to the monkey cage.  I walk down to the basement, pick up the lock and ,as both girls watch from the top of the stairs, I re lock the cage.  I think go up the stairs, and put the key to the cage in my purse.

Bethany-“Are you going to keep the key?”

Kitty-“Yes, I think perhaps the monkey won’t be able to unlock the cage if the keys are very far away, like with me in my purse.  What do you think Kiley?”

Kiley agrees the cage should stay locked if I keep the key.  Kiley also insists I don’t ever tell anyone the story of my investigation of Monkey Ghost House.  As I am leaving she shakes my hand, and privately says to me “I want to keep the ghost around, just until after I graduate. I really thought Bethany would keep her mouth shut.”

Monkey Ghost House now belongs to a family that as far as I can tell have had no problems.  No problems, or perhaps like Kiley, they find having a monkey ghost around can be useful at times.